Love And Abuse

The language you use to describe your relationship and how you're getting along with the other person says a lot. If you've ever wondered if you are the hurtful one or they are, the words you use can reveal just what role you play in the dynamic of an emotionally abusive relationship. 

What would happen if you decided to write them a loving, supportive letter outlining all of their hurtful behaviors in hopes they'll read it and finally realize they need to change? Will it backfire on you? I talk about that in this episode.

The cycle of high ups and deep downs in a relationship is like being trapped in an emotional prison. There are moments of freedom and happiness, followed by a constant underlying fear or worry of being trapped again. The emotional prison is created by the manipulative and controlling behavior of the person who wants to keep the person in a disempowered state. This cycle of ups and downs often forms a trauma bond, where the person seeks love and support from the same person who is causing them emotional harm.

Why do people who claim to care about us hurt us when they see that we're suffering? Shouldn't our suffering be enough for them to stop the behaviors? It's one of the most common questions I receive: If they really love me, why do they hurt me? 

Dealing with a hurtful person is often hard enough. When they have hurtful parents, however, it gets even harder. Especially when you thought you had a somewhat good relationship with them. When their parents can't see their own child being hurtful toward you, you may not get the compassion and support you're looking for. 

Your religious or spiritual beliefs are supposed to help uplift and inspire you, not make you feel oppressed and exhausted. Religious abuse happens when people who claim to love you use your own beliefs against you to keep their power over you. 

I get messages from those who are with someone who claims to have changed, but something doesn't feel right to them. What they feel is usually accurate. There are specific thoughts and feelings inside you that can help you tell if someone has actually changed and healed from being emotionally abusive, or if they still have a ways to go. 

When you've realized enough is enough but you're afraid that the kids will get a boatload of abusive behavior from a soon to be ex, knowing what to expect and how to respond to what happens next is the key to trying to maintain the healthiest relationship with your children.

Why can't they just change? Why don't they just stop hurting you? Sometimes they've built such a huge wall of protection around themselves that nothing can penetrate it. They keep doing what they're doing because they don't want you to see what's behind the wall. It's too vulnerable, and it might require them to express a part of themselves they've hidden away all their life. 

The emotionally abusive relationship can be a battle. In fact, it can be a series of battles that wear you down and eventually wear you out. But at what point are you so worn out that you do something different? Some toxic relationships last for decades and there is no end in sight. There's a point in time when something has to change, or nothing ever will. And that can be a hard pill to swallow. 

The person that hurts the one they love can do the behavior indefinitely unless someone is there to stop it. Usually, that someone has to be you. Stopping it however doesn't always come easy. Sometimes the person hurting you needs a wake-up call they can't ignore, shaking their foundation so much they have to pay attention.

Why do we return to toxic people over and over again? It's certainly not because we love to suffer. But maybe there's more going on that should be considered. Sometimes knowing the reasons can help you stop the round trips back to someone that doesn't seem to care if you're happy or not. 

Can low self-worth attract someone that makes you feel lower? Can people-pleasing attract a taker that never stops taking? There are many ways to become attracted to someone. But there are attractions that aren't always positive. It's important to know what about them makes them appealing when some qualities can be downright abusive.  LAA Insights is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On Insights, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to provide my insights and opinions. 

A special episode answering a question from someone who isn't sure if they are the abuser and if they need to work on their own abusive behavior, even though there are clear signs they are being abused as well.    LAA INSIGHTS is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On INSIGHTS, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to provide my insights and opinions. 

Becoming dependent on someone can put you at their mercy sometimes. And if they are toxic, you are not only now dependent on them for certain things, but they make sure you continue to depend on them so you never get your wants and needs filled completely. It's like a bag of chips... you can never eat just one. You know they're bad for you, but you keep coming back. I talk about our dependencies in this episode and how they can create hard-to-break trauma bonds. 

There can be some good excuses for hurtful behavior. With some excuses, it can be hard to differentiate between fact and fiction.  When someone uses their condition or illness to manipulate or control you, it can make it that much more difficult to get out from under their spell. 

Some abusive people know exactly how to lock you into the relationship so tight that you find it near impossible to get out of it. When that happens, the longer you wait, the worse it gets. No matter how deep you are, you need to do something right away unless you want to continue down a road that never ends.

Sometimes the emotional abuse stops. If and when it does, will you know who you are? Do you know where you went? Sometimes we lose ourselves in relationships like this because we are so busy trying to make the other person happy so they won't make us miserable. But that's probably not who you wanted to be. Finding yourself again can be the next challenge after the emotional abuse stops.   https://loveandabuse.com