Probing Ancient Aliens

Have ancient aliens been responsible for joy-gantic mega disasters like Volcanoes, Earthquakes, Tsunamis, and Climate Change? Or were they simply trying to warn us against these disasters? Is it something far more sinister? Like advanced flesh and bolts Extra Terrestrials trying to "cull" the human "herd" as it were? Steve and Joey don't really know, because our plucky ancient astronaut theorists do a pretty questionable job of providing evidence. But hey, that's why we love 'em so darn much! Let's prooooooooooooobe into mega disasters and see if the "gods" were really messing with our climate and killing dinosaurs and if Noah was real...n'stuff.

Little green...or should I say grey...men? They’re abducting, absorbing, absolving...and anal probing! Those plucky ancient astronaut theorists are obsessed with ret-conning the stereotypical alien “Greys” into every facet of our ancient past: religion, art, and architecture - all while Steve and Joey break things down with their usual gross take on life, liberty, and the pursuit of prolapsiness. They go fully Gray for Pay despite doing this show for free, because it’s just too tempting to tear apart the suspect psuedo-scientific claims of the cities and streets that Tsoukalos built. They’re conspiring against grey alien conspiricies; calling bullshit on bio-engineered hybrid babies; and exposing the hyperbole of hypno-regression alien abduction therapy. Let’s proooooooooooooobe deeper into...The Greys.

It's time to party like it's December 21st 2012, when we were all going to look up to the sky and fuckin' DIE because the Mayan Calendar said so! Did the Ancient Astronaut Theorists consult an actual Mayan expert to contribute to this episode? And de answer is...NO! But there's plenty of fear-mongering to be had as our plucky researchers wonder what the return of the 9 gods, and the return of Kukulcan, and the "living mythology" of the Maya coming true at the end of that very unfateful year. Let's do a long-count of PROOOOOOOOBING into the Doomsday Prophecies of the Maya...and some other cultures n' shit.

Season de Quatro starts off with a big cataclysmic BANG when the Mayans are playing with their apocalyptic Long Round Calendar! Steve and Joey have something else long and round...their pink sock prolapses flapping in the wind as they yak on and on about Mayan math, Mayan astronomy, Mayan pyramids, Mayan gods and goddesses, Mayan religion, Mayan hieroglyphics, Mayan snake-men, Mayan spaceport landing platforms, and Maya Maya More! Everything you wanted to know about the vast Mesoamerican culture...with 5,025% more pottymouth! Let’s prooooooobe deep into the Conspiracy that Von Danicken, Tsoukalos, Childress and the boys mention...for like a minute in the middle of the episode...and then probe even deeper into other Mayan stuff!

Did ancient aliens jumpstart man’s evolution by altering their DNA? Were Adam and Eve simply the first “modern” humans to understand the power of gentics...or were they aliens themselves that were cast out for having SECKS with their homo sapien creations? Were we simply advanced apes that “overnight” had a “big bang” in our intellectual evolution? How much does pubic-like hair way? What is that white glaze all over the walls of the tombs in the Valley of the Kings? Steve and Joey are here to probe DEEP and talk, sqwak, and pink sock it out on the season 3 finale of everyone’s favorite show about Ancient Astronaut Theory...which, again, seems desperate to explain itself as the creators were likely unsure if it had the ratings to stick it out. Little did they know they’d have the greatest show to ever grace the lips of our eyes! So let’s prooooooooooooobe!

Do humans really have superpowers lying latent in our DNA? Did the Extra Terrestrial gods of the ancient world give men devices to enhance their sight, strength, or even bestow the power of invisibility? Was the battle between the Olympians and the Titans an actual civil war that split an ancient alien race down the middle and cast rebels out of their mothership? Joey and Steve don’t really know, and it’s clear that our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorist don’t either, since this episode is pretty much about present day “future tech” and how maybe, just maaaaybe, they sound pretty similar to ancient myths where Greek gods had hi-tech helmets, shoes, chariots, and weapons. Watch out for a special appearance from Jafaar and Gilbert Gottfried as well as plenty of prolapse talk for fans of the great pink sock! Let’s PROOOOOOOOOOOOOBE!

Did aliens create zombies and vampires, or simply inspire humans to ressurect dead bodies because they witnessed hypersleep chambers in alien crafts? Phew, that’s a mouthful, and this whole episode is pretty much a hole-fillin’ glop of speculation and theological examples of the afterlife...but of course: ALIENS! Aliens apparently taught us that our blood is “important” and they’re going to judge us when the Day of Reckoning happens to make sure we did what they said...whenever that was. The best part? TONS of Childress Chime-ins and our first guest: my sister Laura...because she felt like it! Let’s prooooooobe into the cold wet holes of aliens and the undead!

Steve and Joey went to Alien Con 2018! Like two little old ladies, they drove up to the Pasadena Convention Center for the premier Ancient Aliens event of the year! Well, they missed Contact in the Desert, so they can’t say for sure...but the cast and crew of our favorite show about Ancient Astronaut Theory were all there to spread more learnin’s and yearnin’s for the alien boys we love! The boys recap the plethora of panels they attended, the whirlwind of wierdos on the show floor and in Q and A sessions, as well as the fun factoids they picked up throughout their Friday and Saturday journeys. Plus...the piece de-Child-RESS: They meet David Hatcher Childress. If that’s not enough to get your probing wands as stiff as a convention center hot dog - I don’t know what is!

Is the World Grid real? Did ancient man build their megalithic stoneworks on each of its nodes by chance...or were they influenced to follow this magnetic pattern by advanced Extraterrestrials? Are Temple Mount, Balbek, and the Pyramids at Giza electromagnetic gas stations for alien craft to stock up? Was the Greek god Apollo simply an ancient alien that travelled along Ley Lines to the north to spread the gift of knowledge and technology to the Vikings? Was Apollo actually SANTA CLAUS?! Let’s see what our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists have to say on this jam-packed episode of almost pure speculation. The Childress Chime-ins, Tsouk-Alerts, and (all-new!) Bara Barrages just keep coming after a few episodes of just boring ol’ facts - so there’s plenty of imitatin’ and ingratiatin’ to be had as we PROOOOOOOOOBE into the Secret Code...whatever that is, since the episode implies it’s like three things.

Are murderous cult leaders actually motivated by contact with malicious Extra Terrestrials? Are cultists like the Circumcellions, Heaven’s Gate, the Narcosatanists, and the Thuggi mind controlled by aliens posing as gods? Is there any difference between the divine kings of the past and modern psychopaths who believe they’re special, divine, or of advanced alien origin? Steve and Joey don’t know, and neither do our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists, but the idea is pretty compelling, and the episode is like a cool crash course in the History of Cults - plus, pleeeeeeenty of Prolapse humor! Let’s PROOOOOOOOOOBE!

Did aliens help George Washington win America’s Independence from the British? Why don’t history books teach about Thomas Jefferson officially reporting a UFO sighting during his Vice Presidency? Why doesn’t anyone focus on the Extra Terrestrial musings by Ben Franklin in his Poor Richard’s Almanac? Why don’t more people know that many of the Founding Fathers were Freemasons with a mystical and scientific view of the world...and using their secret society’s tenants to shape our great nation from the get-go?! We’re totally freaking out man!!! I think we need to check our facts with the great documentaries National Treasure 1 and 2 with narrator Nicholas Cage! Or, you could probe deep with us into a pretty cool (cans) episode of Ancient Aliens, where it’s mostly just a lot of interesting info and the AAT guys give us a little break from their ponderings and assumptions. Let’s PROOOOOOOOOBE because the British are coming! The British are coming!

Are there special “POWER PLACES” that are truly “cursed?” Are the weird electromagnetic energies of Aokigahara Forest causing Japanese people to commit Suicide? Are the Cauldrons and alien Orange Orbs of Siberia’s Valley of Death causing radiation sickness and killing hikers? Does the Aboriginal god known as the Rainbow Serpent really eat the wicked folk that dare to enter Australia’s Black Mountain? Are we creating future Evil Places by dumping radioactive waste deep into the ground? Let’s see what our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists have to say - you know they’ll have mountains of evidence and it won’t just be presenting some weird shit as proof that weird shit is what they say it is! Let’s have our devil emoji’s at the ready and PROOOOOOOBE into some Evil...koinda scaaaaaary places!

Did Prya Pisnokar throw an alien-crafted plasma sword into lake Tonle Sap? Was the young King Arthur’s famous sword in the stone equipped with a Biometric Sensor that allowed only his DNA to release the blade from it’s rocky grip? Were the Hindu gods and goddesses using nuclear weapons and guided missiles in crazy wars in the skies over India? Did ancient aliens teach early man how to harness fire and forge swords? Is there any reason that an advanced alien race would teach early man how to make simple weapons like blades while concurrently giving them rock-vitrifying laser cutting rays, anti-grav tools that could lift 50 ton stones, and nuclear devices like the Ark of the Covenant? Apparently our favorite ancient astronaut theorists think there is! What that reason is...as David Childress says: “So we can be like them!” Because Aliens fly around and then kill people with Swords? If ancient aliens had the tech to fly across the galaxy and act as gods, why would they not just blow people away with more advance

Was the Garden of Eden an ancient alien laboratory where ET’s hand crafted modern humans? Was the Mayan city of Copan and Nazca in Peru visited by ancient astronauts posing as sky gods, demanding blood sacrifices? How were the Easter Island Moai statues carved and moved without anti gravity technology? Well according to our resident ancient astronaut theorists, its aaaaaaaaall possibly aliens that connected these lost worlds by intergalactic spacecraft and master-minded ancient humans like the Magi and Rapanui into building some pretty crazy sites. Is there any proof or evidence? Naaaaaaah! But they sure as heck are willing to create plenty of cognitive dissonance in our Annunaki crafted brain to make you feel like it can't be anything else! Let's PROOOOOOOOOOOOBE into lost worlds!

Was the grim reaper really an alien spreading The Black Plague with a high teck “scythe?” Did an Extra Terrestrial Virgin Mary warn the people of Portugal about the devastating Spanish Influenza outbreak of 1917? Do meteorites bring microbes and possibly new diseases to Earth, literally infecting us with outer space illnesses? The answer to that last one - as Tsouks would say - IS YES!!! For once we can agree! Most of this episode is just learning that diseases spread in various ways and a bunch of scientists talking about symptoms, but Steve & Joey make the most of it with some of their goofiest guffaws and chortles yet! Let’s PROOOOOOOOOBE into some disgusting sores and fever mouths!!!

Was ancient man capable of building massive megalithic structures like the Pyramids at Giza, Ollantaytambo in Peru, The Oracle Room on the island of Malta, the temples of Vijayanagara, or the pyramid city-scape of Teotihuacan with simple stone and metal tools? Steve and Joey don’t really know for sure, but our favorite Ancient Astronaut Theorists are giving it a very HARD “NO!” Extra Terrestrials must have been the only beings capable of stacking heavy rocks up and carving them out of quarries with fancy laser beams to keep early man...well...busy! So where are those magical cutting devices that assuredly an ancient race would have protected as a sacred artifact? Why didn’t they draw or document the building of their stone monuments with the help of these divine devices with god-like power? Tsouks, Childress, and Coppens deeeeeeeefinitely have the hard evidence to prove that Ancient Aliens provided Ancient Engineers with the tech they needed, and Steve & Joey are just in awe of how well they prove their point

Are magic rituals allowing us to communicate telepathically with aliens? Are crowns, scepters, and thrones technological artifacts that give kings and queens the power of the gods? Did ancient aliens really require blood sacrifices from the ancient Mayans? Are Extra Terrestrials using Quantum Entanglement technology with Native Americans? All these questions and more are...answered? On today’s episode by Tsoukalos, Childress, Martell and the rest of the gang! Steve and Joey probe deep on logic flaws galore: Noory once again knows the psychology of aliens; Tsouks says we cremate people to mimic ancient alien ships’ rocket fuel exhaust; and Childress...just kinda reiterates what 5 other people just said before him. Regardless, we hope you’ll ritually sacrifice an hour and ten minutes of your life to listen to all the jokes, strokes, sexy blokes, and more! Let’s prooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobe!!!

Did ancient South Americans sacrifice gold to the alien gods of the lost city of El Dorado? Does Roslynn Chapel hold the Holy Grail in one of its pillars among little green men? Did ancient aliens (by way of Atlantis) store all their knowledge of time and space on a mountain of gold under the Sphynx’s paw? Did ancient Egyptians actually own the famed Philosopher’s Stone and use it to create the most vast gold treasure hoard the ancient world had ever known? Tsoukalos, Childress, and newcomer Richard Henry seem to think so, with the latter believing that there’s pretty much a Stargate in every Egyptian building....ever! Come probe with us as we discover...well...just one lost city of gold, but really just visit some places that have gnarly artifacts in them, not necessarily gold.

Is Temple Mount, Jerusalem a landing zone for ancient UFO’s? Are the monolithic churches at Lalibela a former storage facility for the nuclear powered Ark of the Covenant? Does the Kaaba in Mecca actually hold a meteorite brought down by an archangel that’s actually a flesh and blood extra terrestrial? While none of these can be confirmed, we do know that all these places are...Koinda Scaaaaaary! I mean...Koinda Saaaaacred! Although they are koinda scary too, being that these are ancient POWER PLACES. Anyway, Steve and Joey probe DEEP into Season 3, Episode 3 of Ancient Aliens this week, which is chock full of classic logic flaws about ancient stone cuttng techniques; inconsistencies on how advanced a culture had to be to understand basic astronomy; and how all the Abrahamic religions are connected by one thing: Ancient. Fucking. Aliens. OF COURSE! Let’s PROOOOOOOOBE!

Do dragons exist? Did ancient extraterrestrials hybridize animals to make mythological creatures like the Chimera, the Hydra, the Kraken, and Cerberus? Is the Loch Ness Monster just one of many dinosaurs that survived the extinction event 65 million years ago? Tsoukalos, Childress, Noory, Redfern, and the rest of the ancient astronaut theorist crew sure think so - and Steve & and Joey are here to probe into their logic and proposed evidence, to see if there are any...leaps in logic, shall we say? Despite being about monsters, this episode is really about how our ancient alien researchers seem to have a deep understanding of super advanced alien psychology, assuming that they’re a lot like us and understand how these beings think...even though we don’t even know whether or not they exist. But hey! That’s the fun of Ancient Aliens isn’t it?! Let’s proooooooobe!